


broken thoughts I cannot repair

by Cail_Jei



Series: Whumptober [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28243335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cail_Jei/pseuds/Cail_Jei
Summary: Loki discovers the truth of his origins in a different setting.
Relationships: Frigga | Freyja & Loki (Marvel), Loki & Odin (Marvel), Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Series: Whumptober [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1955857
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29





	broken thoughts I cannot repair

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song Hurt by Johnny Cash. Heed the warnings. This does contain a suicide attempt.

Loki stared himself in the mirror of his bathroom. His hair was a dishevelled mess, his hands were shaking and tears continually leaked from his red-rimmed eyes. He couldn’t bring himself to care. No one would see this display of weakness anyway. 

He hadn’t intend to find out. He truly would rather he had never found out, but there was no way to turn back time, to make everything right again.

Loki had only entered his father’s (not-father’s) office without permission because he needed some books for a paper for one of his law courses and stumbled upon it by complete accident. It was right there, on the top of a stack of papers on the desk. He would have hardly spared it a glance, had his own name not caught his eye. Curiosity aroused, he reached for the paper. Even now, he could picture it almost perfectly. Loki had had to read the adoption paper three times for it to even begin and register to his brain. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest. He was adopted. And not just that. Although he didn’t recognise the name of the mother (his mother, oh God, her, not Frigga, she had lied to him all his life), the name of the father immediately rang a bell. Laufey Laufeyson. The notorious gangster his fath- Odin put behind bars.

He didn’t even had time to process what he learnt, when he heard heavy footsteps in the living room and Odin entered the room. Everything went downhill from there. The screaming match that ensued was loud enough to rouse Frigga from her slumber. She ended up separating them, sending Loki to his room, promising him to come soon to discuss with him about his adoption, but stayed behind to talk further with Odin. 

And so here Loki was, in the bathroom adjacent to his room, after having locked the door. He didn’t want to talk to his mother and hear her excuses; like Odin, she had betrayed him too. His thoughts wandered; they took dark, twisted paths. He was the discarded son of a criminal, of a monster. His own mother abandoned him to die in the cold winter night. Who could ever love someone like him? He wasn’t loved and certainly not wanted. He barely had any friends, he wasn’t even sure if the people he occasionally hanged out at the university with even counted as such. The only thing he truly had was his family, and even that turned out not be his own. Further more, he was a failure, with no particular talent in anything, all he was good at was the courses and not even that anymore, since his grades had taken a dive that last semester. No one would miss him should he die. Most of these thoughts were familiar ground by now; how many times had he found himself in front of the road beside the school and later the university thinking of crossing it when the cars were running and the traffic light was green? It would look like an accident and his family would be sad for a little while; and then they would move on. But now Loki doubted even that. If there was an escape from the pain he was feeling (or even worse the emptiness that consumed him all too often lately) -coward that he was- he would take it.

In the cabinet, there were a great deal of medical supplies, including the pain meds that Thor took that one time he had twisted his ankle in a game of football. Loki took all the remaining ones, before returning to his bedchamber and lying down on the bed. He was going to die, but he felt curiously calm at the prospect. All the anxiety of the previous days dissipated like mist on a sunny day. Distantly he could hear his parents knocking at the door, trying to speak to him, stumbling over what to say, how to explain themselves and what they did. For a moment he considered going to them, but no; he had crossed a line and now return was impossible. A bone-deep weariness, unlike anything he had ever experience before, dragged him under, and his eyes flutter closed.

* * *

Thor returned late to home after his training session, only to find it in utter chaos. Light and angry hushed voices spilled from the kitchen door, where his parents were presumably fighting. That in and of itself was alarming, as his parents tended to avoid fighting while he and Loki were at the house. As much as Thor hated the idea of interrupting the argument, he was too curious for his own good.

“What is the matter?”

Both of his parents turned to look at him, as if only now noticing his presence.

His parents exchanged a look with unclear meaning. “Your brother has locked himself in his room and he won’t speak to either of us.” Said Frigga, after a long pause.

“I could perhaps try and talk to him.” Offered Thor.

“Perhaps it would be better if we left him alone for a while. Until he calms down.” Said Odin.

Thor frowned. “Calms down from what?”

His parents glanced at each other again, before Frigga spoke. “That is something that your brother will tell you if he wants to. Go to him. Perhaps some company will do him good.”

Something serious must have happened. Despite Loki’s constant jabs at Thor’s intelligence, he was not an idiot and he knew that much. 

Thor went to his brother’s room and knocked. “Loki it’s me! Open the door!” He did not receive an answer. Not even a “leave me alone”. Also the lights were off. That was suspicious indeed.

Then an idea sprang in his mind. He had years to do so, but he could get inside Loki’s room from the window. They used to enter each other’s bedrooms like that all the time as children. Hopefully, Loki wouldn’t be too angry.

Thor hastily went to his room and exited through the window. The roof creaked under his weight, but, thankfully, it did not break. He walked with his back pressed on the wall, until he reached the window of his brother’s room. Thor looked through the window, only to make his brother’s slim form lying on the bed on his side, in the pitch-black room. Perhaps he was just asleep, but if that was the case, Loki would have at least shut down the blinds. Plus, it was way earlier than he usually slept. Something felt wrong about this, and a vague feeling of unease settled over him. Thor decided to check on Loki, even if he ended up waking him up from a well-deserved nap. 

The window was unlocked and so Thor entered without much trouble. “Loki”, he said, but Loki did not respond. That was unusual, since Loki was a light sleeper. _Maybe he is sick._ Thor sat down at the edge of the bed, resting his hand at his brother’s shoulder. “Loki”, he spoke again shaking him lightly. Still no response. Increasingly worried, Thor shook him again, this time harder. Loki was limp as a doll, his head lolling along with the movement, showing no sign of waking up. _Almost as if he’s dead_. Terror shot through Thor at the thought, but he had the presence of mind to search for a pulse. It was slow and weak. Loki’s breaths were shallow and uneven. 

Only then did Thor noticed an orange pill bottle lying on the floor, empty. He went to pick it up, hands trembling. The pain pills. _Fuck_.

He fumbled with the key, managing to unlock the door. Then he yelled at the top of his lungs for his parents to come, before returning to his brother, with the desperate wish that perhaps as long as he was there, Loki would hold on. Odin and Frigga arrived quickly and everything was a blur of panic from there on. Frigga’s sobbing echoed across the room, as Odin paced nervously, occasionally looking out of the window for any sign of the ambulance. Thor, for his part, just held Loki’s hand, feeling completely and utterly helpless. He didn’t know how many agonizing minutes passed until the ambulance finally came. All he knew was his brother becoming paler and more sick-looking by the moment, his breaths coming in short pants. 

The paramedics entered the room and before he knew it, Loki’s cold, thin hand was pried from his own, and Loki was being carried off on a stretcher, with Frigga in tow. His mother climbed on the ambulance, along with the paramedics and Loki, but when Thor made to follow her, a heavy hand was set on his shoulder, stopping him.

“Son, the paramedics need space to work. We will go to the hospital by car.”

“But Loki... What if he- if he...” Thor couldn’t quite voice the thought. He felt that had he spoken it out loud, he would have made it real. And so far nothing about this felt remotely real.

Even though he never completed the sentence, Odin grasped its meaning. “It is a possibility, but we have to hope that this won’t be the case. My boy, you have to stay strong, for your mother and your brother. Can you do that?”

Thor nodded, even though he knew that he probably wouldn’t be able to, when he had the time for the situation to fully sink in.

The dusk was falling slowly, as the street lights were lit. There was the regular afternoon traffic in the highway, as people returned from work to home. The ride to the hospital was short, but not short enough for Thor not to have time to think. He couldn’t quite wrap his head around the events that had transpired this day. Something had happened -what that could be he could not imagine- that no one wanted to tell him about. And then his little brother had tried to take his own life. Although these two events were doubtlessly connected, Thor had to wonder if there was some other warning sign that they missed. Loki had been withdrawn and morose lately more so than usually, but then again he was like that most of the time. Thor did not know, he couldn’t even comprehend why Loki would do something like that. Was he truly so unhappy? Even if he was, he still had his whole life ahead of him, he could find a way to be.

They entered the hospital immediately upon arriving. Odin called Frigga’s mobile. His mother’s replies were muffled, impossible to be heard in the noisy waiting room of the emergencies.

“How is he? Where are you now? We’ll be there shortly.”

Odin closed the phone and just began walking, grabbing Thor by the elbow and guiding him along side him. 

“Father, what’s going on? Is Loki alright?”

Odin sighed. “Your brother is still alive. But I wouldn’t go as far as well. They are taking him to the ER.”

Thor released a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. As relieved as he was to hear that Loki was still alive, as terrified he was at the prospect that Loki could perish in the next few minutes or hours. _I have to be strong_ , Thor repeated to himself. _My brother and my mother need me._

It took a few minutes of walking to arrive to the corridor outside the ER. Frigga was sitting on a chair, wringing her hands nervously. She looked pale and worn, as if she had aged five years in only a few hours. When she saw them coming, she rose from her chair, and wrapped Thor in her arms, who did not hesitate to hug her back.

Thor could feel her shaking in his embrace, and as much as he tried to remind himself to be strong, it was impossible to keep his tears at bay. Nonetheless Thor tried, until his vision blurred and Odin’s hand came to rest heavily on his shoulder. Then he could not bear it anymore and began to weep.

* * *

The metallic armchairs of the hospital were deeply uncomfortable. By design Thor couldn’t lay down on them. Not that, had he been able to, would he have managed to get any sleep. He mostly passed the time by pacing anxiously, until he felt exhausted enough to sit, and sitting until he felt nervous enough to pace. His mother, on the other hand, sat regally on her chair, occasionally worrying her hands.

Odin had left after four or five hours of waiting, because he had an early morning tomorrow. He offered to take Thor home as well, but Thor vehemently refused. He wouldn’t abandon Loki in his hour of need. He said as much to his father. While Odin was obviously angry at the implication, he didn’t start an argument over it. Later, Frigga said that burying himself in work had always been Odin’s way to cope with things. But Thor was mad at him for leaving regardless. 

It was nearing 5 am when finally a doctor accompanied by a nurse approached them. Thor immediately tensed, bracing himself for the news, whatever those may be. Frigga’s worry, although far less apparent, was evident in the tight lines of her face and the way she held herself.

The doctor smiled sympathetically, if a bit tightly and spoke. “You are Mrs Asgard, correct?” Frigga nodded. “I am Dr Chloe Smith and this is Mr Johnson, the nurse responsible for your son’s care.” She gestured towards the nurse, who grinned kindly, and then continued. “We have managed to stabilise Loki’s condition. ”

Thor breathed a sigh of relief. It felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Beside him, Frigga seemed ready to begin weeping tears of joy. 

“Of course he isn’t out of the woods just yet. The next few hours will be crucial.”

“Can we see him?” asked Thor before his mother could get a word in. 

“Of course.” Answered Mr Johnson. “Let me take you to him.”

He lead Thor through the corridors, to a room identical to almost every other one on this building. There his brother was laid on a cot, looking so very small, pallid and wan, an oxygen mask on his face. Frigga hanged back to discuss further with the doctor, while Thor walked into the room, sitting on the chair next to the bed. He took Loki’s thin (when had he become so thin?), surprisingly cold hand in his and silently prayed, to whoever heard him, that his brother would wake.

Frigga came after a while, taking a chair beside Thor. “What did the doctor say?”

Frigga exhaled, visibly composing herself. “When he is well enough, they’ll take him into the psychiatric ward. Since this was plainly an attempt on his life, I agreed. Hopefully they will give him the help he needs.”

Thor nodded. He knew that his brother hated having other people decide for him, but he also knew that his brother now was sick and consequently some of his wishes should be ignored. They sat silently for a few minutes more, until Thor found the courage to ask. “What happened? This afternoon I mean.”

“Your brother learnt something. Something that we perhaps were mistaken in keeping from him. But, at first he was so young, too young to understand it. And later, the right moment never seemed to come. It was always a bit too early, or else he was going through a rough time and we didn’t want to put additional pressure on him. But most of all, it was that for us it didn’t really matter. Loki may not be our son by birth, but we raised him, held him in our arms when he was but a babe. He is our child, even if he currently does not consider himself to be.”

“He tried to take his life over that?” Thor could not help but feel furious that his brother had decided to throw his life away over something as dumb and insignificant as that.

“Keep your voice down.” Hissed his mother. “There is more to the story. But it is for him to say and no one else.” She took a deep breath. “People who attempt to take their own life, rarely do so for only one reason. In all probability, he was... unhappy, or more accurately depressed for a long time now.” The last words came more like a sob than anything else. She hid her face into her hands as her shoulders shook silently. “And we didn’t even suspect- we didn’t _see- I_ didn’t see-”

Thor felt entirely helpless. Whatever anger had remained turned against himself, because he hadn’t noticed either. Loki had suffered alone and not one person had known. Thor suffocated on his guilt until exhaustion overcame him, and he fell into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

Thor woke up way after the time he should have, if he were not to miss his morning classes. Not that he intended to attend them today, anyway. His neck was stiff from sleeping at an uncomfortable position and his cell phone had exploded with messages from his friends asking why he hadn’t come. Thor answered as vaguely as he could, something about familial duties and his brother being unwell. There would be time for explanations later, when Loki would got better. When, not if.

When she noticed that he was up, Frigga sent him off to the hospital’s cafeteria, to buy both of them some coffee and breakfast. Thor suspected that it was meant mostly as an opportunity to stretch his legs and was quite thankful for it. They ate in silence and later, when the silence of the room became to much to bear, they chatted a bit over trivial things. After long hours of wait, of doctors and nurses visiting to perform their tasks, Thor heard a familiar heavy knock. The door opened and there stood Odin. 

“Frigga. Thor. I hope you are well.” His eyes came to rest on Loki. “Has there been any news?”

“Not since the last time I called you.” Answered Frigga.

“You can go home if you’d like. Get some rest. I will stay with him tonight.”

Frigga nodded and got up, signalling Thor to do the same. Thor hadn’t had the heart to keep his anger at him. After all his father did came back and would stay.

* * *

The next days passed in much the same manner, alternating between visits at the hospital and time spend at home, resting and attempting to study with varying degrees of success. He still hadn’t said the truth to his friends. He didn’t doubt that they would be supportive, but he didn’t feel ready yet.

The fifth day after the incident, Thor was sitting beside his brother’s bed as usual, trying and failing to focus on some homework, when he heard a soft if irritable voice. “Be careful not to strain yourself. I swear this is the most reading you have done in years.” 

Thor found that he did not feel angry in the slightest, just profoundly relieved. “You idiot! We almost lost you. What were you thinking brother?” As much as he tried to keep his voice even, it was still shaking by the end of the sentence.

“I am not your brother.” Loki said his voice bitter.

“Of course you are. You being adopted doesn’t change anything between us.”

“Are you certain of that?”

“Indeed, I am. Promise me you won’t something like that again.”

“Why not? What does it matter? You will be sad for a month or so and then you will move on. I feel like shit when I feel anything at all-”

“That is because you are depressed, but there are ways to get better, to be fine again.”

“It’s hard to believe that.”

“I know. But it can get better and it will.” Thor moved hesitantly forward, taking his brother’s hand in his. “And you would be greatly missed. By all of us.”

“Why would anyone miss me?”

“Because we love you.”

“You say that as if it were that easy.”

“Some things are. Despite what you may think.”

Loki looked at him oddly. If Thor were to guess, he would say that he wanted to believe him, but found it difficult. “If you don’t believe anything else, believe that. I love you. And I am here. For whatever you need me.”

Loki closed his eyes and squeezed Thor’s hand. “Will you stay?” he sounded hesitant, fearful.

Thor smiled. “Of course.” He had every intention of keeping that promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appriciated!


End file.
